The Naked Savant

Apocalypse Wow!

2004-10-12T01:18:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else noticed that The Earth is trying to destroy us? Admit it. For a while you were wondering why they kept changing the name of that Hurricane and then you realized it was actually a meteorological gangbang.

The U.S. Geological Survey recorded over 70 earthquakes in California on the 19th. Add to that Wednesday’s 6.0 magnitude and the subsequent 160 aftershocks and you could make one of those really lame commercials for chocolate milk. Also in on Wednesday, the USGS announced that Mount St. Helens is probably going to erupt in Washington state pretty soon.

Yes, now a volcano is going to erupt. A volcano? I’ve had a Geology course here at OU that covered volcanoes and still to me the whole concept of lava unexpectedly bursting out of the ground seems like it was made up by some sci-fi hack who was trying to think of the fastest way to kill a human.

“Hmmm…lemme think…hmmm…got it! A surprising explosion of molten rock covered Zandork…”

Our legislature, not to be outdone and apparently having determined that America is just not quite dangerous enough, has decided it’s time to get Assault Rifles back on the street. So we can all put our bayonets and grenade launchers back on our AR-15s and get back to hunting quail the way God intended, 600 per minute.

Let’s see…current trends…what else is in the news these days? O’ yes, BEHEADINGS. Of all the crazy things to make a comeback this has to be the least probable. How long has it been since the last time they were all the rage, like 300 years? Honestly, I didn’t see that one coming at all.

Furthermore, after some unusual radiation was detected off the coast of Georgia, a team of scientists is hopping on out there to look for a Hydrogen bomb that went missing in 1958. That’s right…an ATOMIC BOMB. We invaded a foreign country because we thought there was a chance that they might be hiding…some…well, actually I really don’t even know what we thought they might have had but have you watched a Braves game on TBS lately? Take a look in the stands. I wouldn’t trust those folks with an atomic clock. To be fair, perhaps the radiation has something to do with it. Outkast is from Georgia and so is Zell Miller…just something to think about.

Wait a minute. Did I do the math right? Have we been missing a nuclear bomb for 46 years? We’ve been ON the MOON six times since we lost that bomb. If I were the President when a bomb went missing I would give everyone a holiday to spend hunting. It would be like Easter except if you win, instead of getting chocolate, your hair falls out.

Remember the tranquility of yore? Those simpler days back when all we had to worry about were jumbo jets flying into our offices or maybe getting a letter full of disease? How I pine for them. I do admit though that I am so glad we now finally have that whole terrorism thing wrapped up since we caught Saddam.

A U.S. District judge has ruled that a portion of The Patriot Act is unconstitutional. Now, there are actually portions of it the bill I like but, in a broader sense, I think it’s the most treacherously un-patriotic bundle of laws passed in my lifetime. In all honesty and seriousness, any bill that has to be given a name like that to get passed is certainly at least morally objectionable and is probably actually wicked. Pick up a history book; governments will eventually take everything they can get away with.

They’re like the Hamburgler except for freedoms.

If you are ever a U.S. Senator and you find yourself about to vote on “The Apple Pie for Orphans Act” read the fine print closely because I can guarantee that if it passes Asians will lose the right to vote, Big Oil will suddenly own your family pet or school lunches will be made of hay and newspapers.

As you read this. Canadians are hard at work digging a trench so that maybe when our country sinks into the ocean as a rumbling, lava-scorched and bullet-riddled wasteland we won’t drag them down with us.

2004-10-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

I will be doing my damnedest in the coming months to make this blog more than just a place to archive the columns I write for the University of Oklahoma student website. And yes, I am aware that no one reads this anyway.

may the farce be with you

2004-09-30T01:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been leaving your apartment late for work only to realize that after your shower you forgot to dry yourself off from the waist down? You walk outside and the wind picks up and a thrilling draft curls up your pant leg. You know you will be a little uncomfortable and clammy for half the day but, on the other hand, you can’t help but feel a little tingly surge of delight. And besides, there is nothing you can do about it now.That’s exactly how I feel about Tuesday’s release of the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. (Well, not really exactly “exactly” but that actually happened to me this morning and I wanted to work it in.) You will not find a greater Star Wars fan than me. And, even though I am not one of those fans that try to make a Honda motorcycle into a speeder bike or ruin a perfectly good conversation about morality by talking all backwards and junk like Yoda, it doesn’t mean that I am not one of the militant devoted. Just because I don’t make my girl call my wang “Boba Fat,” it doesn’t mean I don’t care. And so what if I know all the real names of all the creatures in the Mos Eisley Cantina? I’m not going to name any of my children after them. As far as my kid’s names are concerned, I’m going to go for something elegant like famous Scottish outlaws or models of cars I’ve owned. “Skylark stop touching Rob Roy and Braveheart, if you don’t put Lumina down this second, I swear, I WILL take your life AND your freedom.” I do admit; I have tried to use The Force many times to retrieve remote controls and once on a police officer in New Orleans. Take it from me…“These aren’t the drugs you’re looking for,” sounds better in your head.

Still, I greet the new DVDs with both joy and the resigned apathy for which I am known. I have waited too long to get those precious elements of my childhood on DVD but they are the Special Editions with certain added stuff that Mad King George felt could be fixed or tweaked.

Some stuff is an improvement; matters like removing the white rectangles that ghost many of the ships in space or cleaning up some of the grainy footage are awesome. But there are also blasphemous superfluities, like making Greedo blast first or planting Hayden Christensen as the spectre of Vader in the final ghost scene beside Yoda and the old Ben Kenobi.Now, I’m not the kind of guy that says,

“My childhood is ruined. I’m going to kill Ahmed Best and shave off George Lucas’ beard and use it for voodoo to bring Alec Guinness back from the dead to strike him down.”

But there’s a lot of animosity out there. To borrow a euphemism; there are Mynocks chewing on the power cables. Some fans are angry and I can dig it.

I haven’t made it to the store yet but I have heard that those despised aquatic boobs, the Gungans, have finally penetrated what is referred to by the hardcore as “The Canon.” Apparently they added yet another celebration scene to the end of “Return of the Jedi” in which Jar Jar’s bros can be seen dancing on the rooftops. I am firmly of the opinion that adding those imbeciles to anything makes it worse. Put a picture of Jar Jar on tabs of X and just see if you can give it away at a rave. I’ll probably get fired for mentioning them in this article and I get paid in movie passes. One reviewer on Amazon facetiously suggested that Scorsese should turn “Taxi Driver” into “Fast and the Furious” because the technology is now available and they have started spelling the maker’s name: Luca$. One person was mad that they removed the “Ewok song,” and that was hated by the same kind of people the first time around.People say it’s a joke.

”Space Balls” was great at the time but in retrospect I think its Mel Brooks poorest film ever. If you’re looking for a good “Star Wars” parody check out “The Phantom Menace.” Why was Darth Vader played by Charlie Brown?

It’s hard for younger people to get a feel for what it was like once. If you combined “Harry Potter” and “The Lord of The Rings” into one phenomenon it would seem like an creepy, secret society of perverts compared to the total saturation of Star Wars from ’80 to ’85. Those first three films ARE Star Wars to many of us and I think people would complain if you moved a vine on Dagobah. For many, the only improvement that could be made is removing Slave Leia’s metal bikini altogether.

I’m not even close to finished on this subject. I could write every column about Star Wars.

But, in conclusion, the guy that keyed the dirty word on my car last night better watch his ass because I’m totally gonna go all Death Star on it.

goons everywhere

2004-09-16T01:39:00.000-07:00

The Naked Savant: Your source poorly ordered words written in the nude. DIABOLICAL!

For a month now we have all been loosely following the frenzied posturing in the Paul Hamm gold medal fiasco. You may have seen the Hamm brothers on NBC while the Olympics were still on; they are the two little twins that look like Santa’s helpers with He-Man’s arms grotesquely grafted on. And have you heard them talk? I’ll bet dollars to dog food that there’s a third one named Theodore somewhere recording a Christmas album. Anyhoo, my feeling on the subject is - if I found a gold-enameled bottle cap in a puddle of urine in Bangkok during an infectious disease convention I wouldn’t even let people look at it. I just thought I would get that off my rippled chest.

Two weeks ago, I was at the grocer and noticed that Campbell, the soup people, have apparently started using their name on Franco-American products (presumably having acquired the company sometime in the past.) But, as God is my witness, if they mess with the flavor or texture of SpaghettiOs I will choke the rivers with the bodies of their executives; Uh-Oh, SpaghettiOs!

It’s America’s favorite prepared pasta. My last meal? SpaghettiOs, tater tots and a Winchester rifle.

If our astonishingly processed foods start to change then the terrorists have won.

While at the store I had the pleasure of standing in line. Before me two females were hooting about the poor quality of the plastic bags. I understand their dilemma; these were the kind of moms who pack their children’s lunch in grocery bags. They had two dozen pieces of meat from the butcher and an enormous bag of chocolate-chip cookies. While they were paying, one of them caught a glimpse of the DVDs stored nearby. A short fitful debate then erupted about who was the sexier man; “Passion” or “Lord of the Rings.”

Don’t misunderstand; they weren’t talking about the movies but rather the actors. Who do you think is sexier; “Passion” or “Lord of the Rings.” No conclusion was reached before they paid the $94 in food stamps.

No, your ears do not deceive you. Two dozen individually-wrapped furtive meats from the butcher and a humongous bag of cookies are apparently what we feed our poor. These women are the people that politicians want to protect from a state lottery. I’m not sure what causes it but I think it has something to do day-time television or Old Navy causing denim levels to rise.

That started me to thinking. Perhaps I don’t represent America’s vast working class as much as I like to think. I mean, I love garish Midwestern things too like rifles and taters, but in a few seconds those two women made me look like a Hapsburg.

Sure, I’m a far-out guy who looks like a caveman and lives like an animal but somewhere deep within is a spark of culture beyond Disney tattoos, NASCAR hats and Calvin peeing on truck brand names.

A week later, I was looking at some DVDs in Wal-Mart and a diabetic (just a guess) woman (another guess) was arguing with the clerk about the price of Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster.
“Eckerd’s has it for $12.99 and I know that you are lower than them.”
“Our price is $16.99 ma’am. Maybe if they had a special promotion or...”
“No, no. That is their everyday low price.”
That’s right. She actually said Everyday low price.

The most revealing part of the whole discussion was the fact that Wal-Mart was completely out of Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster. The whole discussion was focused on an empty shelf and a price tag making it all a kind esoteric testimonial to something that I can’t quite think of something funny to say about.

Who knows? Maybe it’s inevitable. Perhaps we will all eventually succumb to trademarks, uninspired entertainment and tabloid journalism. I just saw a graphic on Fox News Channel that read something to the effect of “Hurricane Ivan unleashes Hurricane-strength winds.”

If you are one of the people mentioned in this article, I’ve said it before and I will say it again; demand the satisfaction that can only come from a hushpuppy eating contest.
In conclusion, everyone should cross their fingers because it looks like Flava Flav and Brigitte Neilson might hook up on The Surreal life and breed a brave new race of super-funky Vikings.

2004-09-04T01:38:00.000-07:00

So we might be able to vote George and Dick outta office, my regret is that we can’t vote them into poverty.

Wouldn’t that be great? Straight from the Whitehouse to some alley. Like the two old men at the end of “Trading Places.”

Years later, I would come across them. They would be sitting there by the barrel with the fire in it warming themselves with those gloves that their fingers stick out of and they would be all like...

“give us a handout govna”

and I would be all like...

“I will give you four dollars if you sing 'Naughty Girl'”

and they would be all like “I'm feelin’ sexeee…I wanna hear you say my name boy…”

Dick Cheney Ate My Lunch

2004-09-03T03:38:00.000-07:00

The first night of the RNC 2004...

You know that voice that black comedians use when they are imitating white folks? I always think “Man! I don’t sound like that, do I? Who do they think sounds like that?” After watching the Republican National Convention I realized exactly where they get it from. Republicans talk that way.

The RNC (or as like I to call it “Fox News Theatre”) is a grisly spectacle, like surgery on an animal.

On the opening night they did a little tribute to American veterans in the form of a video they took during a ceremony honoring veterans on the U.S.S Intrepid. The host asked hard questions of the attendees like; “Why did you decide to come out here today?” And, “Do you think it’s important to know about veterans?”

Where did these rats find the gall to present a ceremony for veterans as an endorsement for their nefarious plans? Who gave the green light for them to stand on the deck of a United States ship and tear-up while patriots rightfully receive a scrap of recognition for their contribution to grinding the cogs of last century’s fascism to a halt with their own bones? I love veterans too and I’m a taxpayer. Get your camera off my warship!

Of course even republicans now have celebrity to tout out. Ron Silver gave his best speech since “Timecop,” and the Gatlin brothers finally have something to separate them from Alabama in my mind-file of appalling neo-country harmony groups.

My God, it’s full of stars and bars…

Patriotism is getting a little too close to Nationalism for my tastes. For the record, Patriotism has nothing to do with the RNC, it has nothing to do with the military and many people are extremely surprised to find out that it doesn’t even have anything to do with our government.

Bad things happen when a political group starts to think of itself not as an ideology but as an actual physical parcel of Earth. Really, Reeeeeally bad things happen.

In fact patriotism only concerns a stern love of country not the blind rhino-like nationalism that is frothing over the suburbs like a disease carried by TGI Friday’s potato skins. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a person that loves the U.S.A as much as I do…but likewise it is for this very reason that I refuse to accept my country being used as a choke-chain for a philosophy of imperialism.

Adlai Stevenson once gave a particularly relevant observation…

"What do we mean by patriotism in the context of our times? I venture to suggest that what we mean is a sense of national responsibility... a patriotism which is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime."

Good ole Sam Johnson was not as eloquent when he imparted these words. I am confident what he is talking about is not at all different from the nationalism the RNC now veils itself in.

“Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels.”

Now I’m not one of those people who hate G.W. enough to put horns on his head or spinning swastikas in his eyes on my webpage. I’ve seen video of him comically drunk at a wedding and he seemed like a genuinely cool guy, the kinda guy I could hang out with. I do NOT want the president to be the kinda guy I could hang out with. I’m a freaking lowlife on the verge of crime but he seems like my kind of people.

I think G.W. is exactly like Reagan, he’s a figurehead. Reagan was an actor and his skills were leveraged by some very creepy ideologues to put your grandfather’s face on a systematic machine that (either intentionally or incidentally) was perfect for draining the middle class of it’s disposable income, cementing the position of The American Corporation and spending incomprehensible amounts of money to defeat backwater rebellions in the aid of more attractive pawns that turned out to be fellows like Noriega and bin Laden.

Bush the elder himself called this kind of financial scheme “voodoo economics.” Personally, I’m more likely to call it “doodoo economics,” because that’s where we will ALL end up…unless you made more than $200,000 this year. They think they can placate the rest of us by handing out $200 checks pointing out that every single other country in the world hates us so we had better get on board for the big win.

I was listening to “Air America” over the weekend and Al Franken made a comment to effect that he thought that liberals love America as an adult loves another, respectful but always vigilante for discretions. Republicans, he said, love America like a child loves an adult, uncritically and with a dog-like devotion. To me though, it has recently become increasingly obvious that the current administration loves America like Michael Jackson loves children.

They’ve stuck it in. I just hope we can shake them before they break it off.

Dick Cheney doesn’t care about you. Seriously, look into his face; he doesn’t even care about frightening your cat.

It’s all so back-assward. There is a man on the podium right now talking about the Patriot act. He is saying how freedom must be defended at all costs; even apparently if its cost is freedom itself. There was a man on the stage talking about the republican’s reputation for economic responsibility during a time of almost ridiculous financial recklessness. There is a scary booming chant of “Four-More-Years!” amidst a platform that could end the world in two. Nowadays they speak with such conviction of inclusiveness while the only strong showing of minorities I saw was in a choir singing “Anchors Aweigh.”

Liberate is a word that gets thrown around a lot. By their count, republicans liberated Afghanistan, Iraq, California and homosexuals from the prospect of marriage. Somehow, it reminds me of a hoodlum friend I used to have.

“Hey, Rusty, where’d you get that handgun?”

“I liberated it from Walmart,” He’d say.

John McCain, a man I greatly respect, spoke and in reference to our fighting men and women he said, “We are all citizens but they are the very best of us.” I respect our forces immensely but this growing concept that joining the military automatically makes you a hero is really starting to piss me off…do you really think that skank with the cigarette in her mouth pointing at underwear-on-his-head guy’s poopchute is the best of us?

Later that night, while watching Scarborough’s awful show on MSNBC I saw a slogan held by a republican that gave me hope…”Go W Go,” it read and I heartily endorse that sentiment. Yes, go W. go. Go W. go, indeed…two more months till he is forced to leave his ivory deer stand with the opportunity to cope with the nation he has allowed his henchmen to engineer.

P.S. - None of this has anything whatsoever to do with Jesus Christ...just a reminder to those of you that think that the Almighty Himself prays to John Ashcroft for direction.