Apocalypse Wow!

Has anyone else noticed that The Earth is trying to destroy us? Admit it. For a while you were wondering why they kept changing the name of that Hurricane and then you realized it was actually a meteorological gangbang.

The U.S. Geological Survey recorded over 70 earthquakes in California on the 19th. Add to that Wednesday’s 6.0 magnitude and the subsequent 160 aftershocks and you could make one of those really lame commercials for chocolate milk. Also in on Wednesday, the USGS announced that Mount St. Helens is probably going to erupt in Washington state pretty soon.

Yes, now a volcano is going to erupt. A volcano? I’ve had a Geology course here at OU that covered volcanoes and still to me the whole concept of lava unexpectedly bursting out of the ground seems like it was made up by some sci-fi hack who was trying to think of the fastest way to kill a human.

“Hmmm…lemme think…hmmm…got it! A surprising explosion of molten rock covered Zandork…”

Our legislature, not to be outdone and apparently having determined that America is just not quite dangerous enough, has decided it’s time to get Assault Rifles back on the street. So we can all put our bayonets and grenade launchers back on our AR-15s and get back to hunting quail the way God intended, 600 per minute.

Let’s see…current trends…what else is in the news these days? O’ yes, BEHEADINGS. Of all the crazy things to make a comeback this has to be the least probable. How long has it been since the last time they were all the rage, like 300 years? Honestly, I didn’t see that one coming at all.

Furthermore, after some unusual radiation was detected off the coast of Georgia, a team of scientists is hopping on out there to look for a Hydrogen bomb that went missing in 1958. That’s right…an ATOMIC BOMB. We invaded a foreign country because we thought there was a chance that they might be hiding…some…well, actually I really don’t even know what we thought they might have had but have you watched a Braves game on TBS lately? Take a look in the stands. I wouldn’t trust those folks with an atomic clock. To be fair, perhaps the radiation has something to do with it. Outkast is from Georgia and so is Zell Miller…just something to think about.

Wait a minute. Did I do the math right? Have we been missing a nuclear bomb for 46 years? We’ve been ON the MOON six times since we lost that bomb. If I were the President when a bomb went missing I would give everyone a holiday to spend hunting. It would be like Easter except if you win, instead of getting chocolate, your hair falls out.

Remember the tranquility of yore? Those simpler days back when all we had to worry about were jumbo jets flying into our offices or maybe getting a letter full of disease? How I pine for them. I do admit though that I am so glad we now finally have that whole terrorism thing wrapped up since we caught Saddam.

A U.S. District judge has ruled that a portion of The Patriot Act is unconstitutional. Now, there are actually portions of it the bill I like but, in a broader sense, I think it’s the most treacherously un-patriotic bundle of laws passed in my lifetime. In all honesty and seriousness, any bill that has to be given a name like that to get passed is certainly at least morally objectionable and is probably actually wicked. Pick up a history book; governments will eventually take everything they can get away with.

They’re like the Hamburgler except for freedoms.

If you are ever a U.S. Senator and you find yourself about to vote on “The Apple Pie for Orphans Act” read the fine print closely because I can guarantee that if it passes Asians will lose the right to vote, Big Oil will suddenly own your family pet or school lunches will be made of hay and newspapers.

As you read this. Canadians are hard at work digging a trench so that maybe when our country sinks into the ocean as a rumbling, lava-scorched and bullet-riddled wasteland we won’t drag them down with us.