goons everywhere
The Naked Savant: Your source poorly ordered words written in the nude. DIABOLICAL!
For a month now we have all been loosely following the frenzied posturing in the Paul Hamm gold medal fiasco. You may have seen the Hamm brothers on NBC while the Olympics were still on; they are the two little twins that look like Santa’s helpers with He-Man’s arms grotesquely grafted on. And have you heard them talk? I’ll bet dollars to dog food that there’s a third one named Theodore somewhere recording a Christmas album. Anyhoo, my feeling on the subject is - if I found a gold-enameled bottle cap in a puddle of urine in Bangkok during an infectious disease convention I wouldn’t even let people look at it. I just thought I would get that off my rippled chest.
Two weeks ago, I was at the grocer and noticed that Campbell, the soup people, have apparently started using their name on Franco-American products (presumably having acquired the company sometime in the past.) But, as God is my witness, if they mess with the flavor or texture of SpaghettiOs I will choke the rivers with the bodies of their executives; Uh-Oh, SpaghettiOs!
It’s America’s favorite prepared pasta. My last meal? SpaghettiOs, tater tots and a Winchester rifle.
If our astonishingly processed foods start to change then the terrorists have won.
While at the store I had the pleasure of standing in line. Before me two females were hooting about the poor quality of the plastic bags. I understand their dilemma; these were the kind of moms who pack their children’s lunch in grocery bags. They had two dozen pieces of meat from the butcher and an enormous bag of chocolate-chip cookies. While they were paying, one of them caught a glimpse of the DVDs stored nearby. A short fitful debate then erupted about who was the sexier man; “Passion” or “Lord of the Rings.”
Don’t misunderstand; they weren’t talking about the movies but rather the actors. Who do you think is sexier; “Passion” or “Lord of the Rings.” No conclusion was reached before they paid the $94 in food stamps.
No, your ears do not deceive you. Two dozen individually-wrapped furtive meats from the butcher and a humongous bag of cookies are apparently what we feed our poor. These women are the people that politicians want to protect from a state lottery. I’m not sure what causes it but I think it has something to do day-time television or Old Navy causing denim levels to rise.
That started me to thinking. Perhaps I don’t represent America’s vast working class as much as I like to think. I mean, I love garish Midwestern things too like rifles and taters, but in a few seconds those two women made me look like a Hapsburg.
Sure, I’m a far-out guy who looks like a caveman and lives like an animal but somewhere deep within is a spark of culture beyond Disney tattoos, NASCAR hats and Calvin peeing on truck brand names.
A week later, I was looking at some DVDs in Wal-Mart and a diabetic (just a guess) woman (another guess) was arguing with the clerk about the price of Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster.
“Eckerd’s has it for $12.99 and I know that you are lower than them.”
“Our price is $16.99 ma’am. Maybe if they had a special promotion or...”
“No, no. That is their everyday low price.”
That’s right. She actually said Everyday low price.
The most revealing part of the whole discussion was the fact that Wal-Mart was completely out of Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster. The whole discussion was focused on an empty shelf and a price tag making it all a kind esoteric testimonial to something that I can’t quite think of something funny to say about.
Who knows? Maybe it’s inevitable. Perhaps we will all eventually succumb to trademarks, uninspired entertainment and tabloid journalism. I just saw a graphic on Fox News Channel that read something to the effect of “Hurricane Ivan unleashes Hurricane-strength winds.”
If you are one of the people mentioned in this article, I’ve said it before and I will say it again; demand the satisfaction that can only come from a hushpuppy eating contest.
In conclusion, everyone should cross their fingers because it looks like Flava Flav and Brigitte Neilson might hook up on The Surreal life and breed a brave new race of super-funky Vikings.
For a month now we have all been loosely following the frenzied posturing in the Paul Hamm gold medal fiasco. You may have seen the Hamm brothers on NBC while the Olympics were still on; they are the two little twins that look like Santa’s helpers with He-Man’s arms grotesquely grafted on. And have you heard them talk? I’ll bet dollars to dog food that there’s a third one named Theodore somewhere recording a Christmas album. Anyhoo, my feeling on the subject is - if I found a gold-enameled bottle cap in a puddle of urine in Bangkok during an infectious disease convention I wouldn’t even let people look at it. I just thought I would get that off my rippled chest.
Two weeks ago, I was at the grocer and noticed that Campbell, the soup people, have apparently started using their name on Franco-American products (presumably having acquired the company sometime in the past.) But, as God is my witness, if they mess with the flavor or texture of SpaghettiOs I will choke the rivers with the bodies of their executives; Uh-Oh, SpaghettiOs!
It’s America’s favorite prepared pasta. My last meal? SpaghettiOs, tater tots and a Winchester rifle.
If our astonishingly processed foods start to change then the terrorists have won.
While at the store I had the pleasure of standing in line. Before me two females were hooting about the poor quality of the plastic bags. I understand their dilemma; these were the kind of moms who pack their children’s lunch in grocery bags. They had two dozen pieces of meat from the butcher and an enormous bag of chocolate-chip cookies. While they were paying, one of them caught a glimpse of the DVDs stored nearby. A short fitful debate then erupted about who was the sexier man; “Passion” or “Lord of the Rings.”
Don’t misunderstand; they weren’t talking about the movies but rather the actors. Who do you think is sexier; “Passion” or “Lord of the Rings.” No conclusion was reached before they paid the $94 in food stamps.
No, your ears do not deceive you. Two dozen individually-wrapped furtive meats from the butcher and a humongous bag of cookies are apparently what we feed our poor. These women are the people that politicians want to protect from a state lottery. I’m not sure what causes it but I think it has something to do day-time television or Old Navy causing denim levels to rise.
That started me to thinking. Perhaps I don’t represent America’s vast working class as much as I like to think. I mean, I love garish Midwestern things too like rifles and taters, but in a few seconds those two women made me look like a Hapsburg.
Sure, I’m a far-out guy who looks like a caveman and lives like an animal but somewhere deep within is a spark of culture beyond Disney tattoos, NASCAR hats and Calvin peeing on truck brand names.
A week later, I was looking at some DVDs in Wal-Mart and a diabetic (just a guess) woman (another guess) was arguing with the clerk about the price of Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster.
“Eckerd’s has it for $12.99 and I know that you are lower than them.”
“Our price is $16.99 ma’am. Maybe if they had a special promotion or...”
“No, no. That is their everyday low price.”
That’s right. She actually said Everyday low price.
The most revealing part of the whole discussion was the fact that Wal-Mart was completely out of Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster. The whole discussion was focused on an empty shelf and a price tag making it all a kind esoteric testimonial to something that I can’t quite think of something funny to say about.
Who knows? Maybe it’s inevitable. Perhaps we will all eventually succumb to trademarks, uninspired entertainment and tabloid journalism. I just saw a graphic on Fox News Channel that read something to the effect of “Hurricane Ivan unleashes Hurricane-strength winds.”
If you are one of the people mentioned in this article, I’ve said it before and I will say it again; demand the satisfaction that can only come from a hushpuppy eating contest.
In conclusion, everyone should cross their fingers because it looks like Flava Flav and Brigitte Neilson might hook up on The Surreal life and breed a brave new race of super-funky Vikings.
posted by S.K. Akin at 9/16/2004 01:39:00 AM
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